Dawn Lilly

I wish I could tell something exciting and wonderful about today, but it's not going to happen. See, even if I have a great cluster meeting tonight, I'm going to still come home to some sort of mess. I'm not a perfectionist, I don't mind some clutter, heck I have to much stuff to like perfection. Yet, my requests for just trying to clean up some things seem mostly ignored. If I don't have to take Husband's hand to tell him what to do next and ride him about it, he gives up. I hate that. I really hate that.
I don't want to be a "nagging" woman that talks about her slobby husband to all her girlfriends. Yet, every time I see improvement, it's followed by him yet again procrastinating until I'm pissed off again. Maybe he likes me angry, I don't know but this has got to stop.
I'm supposed to have a sort of "Bible study" tomorrow with some Witnesses, but I think I'm going to tell them to come back Friday. I don't feel like explaining ten times that the Bible isn't meant to be taken literally, it's a series of lessons, and I'm not going to follow it *just* because the writers say they're telling the truth (would a liar admit to lying or the ignorant admit that they might be wrong?)
For now, I'm going to make cookies for my cluster meeting tomorrow and box up a bunch of shit I'll probably forget about until it's time to unpack in a new place. Once it stops raining, I'll take the boxes out to the backyard storage. Which seems to have rodent guests. Just another thing on the to-do list, call the landlord.

I told Husband not to expect me to stay home long. I love my daughter, but I'm just not one of those "crunchy" ladies I'm starting to consider more like nutty. (Pardon, but sometimes what's best isn't the best) So why is it so surprising to Husband I'm looking outside the home? Honestly, we don't have much funding, but if I can make more than 500 a month, then Daughter can go to a daycare, some sort or another.
I was thinking of picking a regular job to fill the gaps among my business pace, but I don't see me finding any sort of contentment, at least not in what I would qualify for. So that easily slips off the table.
Somehow I was reminded of the military. I honestly don't approve of this war, but I believe the benefits are worth the dangers. I also took it as a sign that right after I started mentioning it to Husband, a recruiter stopped by the apartment. Granted, he was there about charity work, but it was pretty good timing for a Marines recruiter to show up at my door when I had just started looking into the military. Even if this is the second time I'm looking.
So now I keep thinking ahead. Husband is planning a get together late next year with a friend, to be centralized at MIL's house. She'd at least want Daughter to go with my Husband. I just don't know if I'll be able to go. Considering all Husband's planning is so far aimed in the Autumn, it's possible I could be sent off. Yet, though he knows what's going on, I think he's denying that I might actually join the military. He talks about how we'll work this out and it keeps reminding me of what a big decision I'm approaching. A decision my husbands just about hates, though my husband was refraining from that word.

I admit it, I stalk the mail"man" (woman really). I spy out the window for signs that a previously up flag is now down or that the mail truck is on a side street across from mine that comes later in the route. I also, now that I missed the carrier knocking twice, know the sound of someone coming up the stairs to my, or the neighbor's, door. Which means it's not unusual for me to pop my head, or maybe my whole body, out the door to see what's going on or if there's a package for me. I do get one or two boxes a week and I rarely know what day exactly I'll get one, so it's pretty important, for convenience sake, that I am alert to what is going on outside. However, that doesn't mean I'm tracking my neighbors, or really even paying attention to them (except when necessary or they initiate conversation).

Within the last hour, I was taking care of some stuff when I heard someone coming up the stairs and heavier than what usually signifies a guest for my neighbor. So I popped out and saw a woman waiting for my neighbor, took a moment to enjoy the slightly cool whether, personally noted that at least it got warmer (not by much though) and went back inside without bothering any more.
Couple moments later, I hear a knock, distinctly on my door this time. Carefully maneuver myself out to prevent viewing of my currently messy living room and there's the woman at my door. She asked me if I knew if my neighbor was out. I told her I didn't know but occasionally she'll leave with a person I assume is her daughter. I'll note it here, that from my first statement to the last, she had a look on her face like she didn't believe me. Which was followed by her noting that I usually came out when she visited and she thought I would know if she left. Again, I explained that I honestly didn't know, adding on the fact that I expect a lot of mail and that brings me outside often but it's none of my business what my neighbors do.
The woman pressed the matter a couple more moments before she left, but I got the impression she couldn't imagine that I might be on the lookout for mail and my neighbor couldn't possibly have gone out.
After I came back inside, I heard the woman knocking on my neighbor's door some more and calling "mama"...interesting that she was finally calling for her like that after talking to me. I guess the woman finally gave up though. She did claim she was worried cause she saw a light when she pulled up but my thought was along the lines that if my neighbor was inside, she probably didn't want to deal with her "daughter," the way she was acting!

I've been listening to music on Yahoo and I'm wondering what the hell happened. Several artists with a great, and usually unique, style are now "rappers" or similar and they're horrible. It's not right and like there was some big fad they couldn't resist. I hate it when an artist completely switches their style. A few songs, sure, but most of these redefinitions have resulted in really low-quality music. I have had to redo several of my artist ratings because they no longer do music I even remotely like.
Big example, Nelly Furtado. She used to have upbeat, unique music, now it's some heavy rap shit. I'm also wondering what is going on with the bleached blondes....

I still feel hurt by Husband, but I have a lot to do today while he's at work. Including getting ready for my cluster meeting tonight. I'm supposed to have a list of 5 "guest questions." For example, "Are you tired of getting cuts while slicing tomatoes and other round food?" In which the answer to is the Ultimate Mandoline because it safely slices small and medium sized foods. Though I admit it takes a little getting used to, I'm considering whether or not to take it to my cluster meeting. I know my hospitality director has one but I'm not sure about the others, especially considering there was an incentive to earn it.
I'm also considering making a variant off a couple pizza ideas for the meeting, such as the Easy Artichoke Pizza and the Four Seasons Appetizer Pizza. I'm supposed to also explain why this "recipe" is good for shows, but that'll be easy. Pampered Chef recipes are easy adjust for personal tastes and the pizza recipes prove it.
I do need get my name out. The driver's permit is a step forward but I still am without the truck most of the day. So the most of work is based off the weekend and neighbors during the weekdays. I'm working within the rules to make contacts online, but the business is mostly face-to-face and the rules reflect that.

Last night I was upset again. Husband came home and told me he was going to let me have the computer and then he wanted it later. In itself, somewhat annoying but I wasn't really bothered then.
What did bother me is his rough summary of his plans which didn't include him helping me at all. It didn't help I was having a hard time figuring out a puzzle on Neopets which took me several hours to get just somewhere. I finally stopped and Husband got his ass comfy on the computer and that's what irritated me. Seeing as he said he was hungry earlier, I told him he was welcome to make dinner as it was so easy (one of those "everything included" package meals). He about have a whining fit there.
I went off irritated and took care of a few things, which I suppose got his attention, but he was acting pissy at me. Like I was the one doing wrong. I took a moment to open Incredimail while he was off being pissy and he came into the bedroom with a box and did a quick sort involving throwing stuff not his on the floor. My stuff is still on the floor at this writing. I had no desire to sort and that was a breaking straw.
I stopped a few seconds to look at a few of the items and started crying. I was hurt that he wasn't listening to me. He was so caught up in taking care of his wants and getting pissed that someone was irritated at him that he misunderstood what I needed. I have told him several times, it's not the boxes but the everyday stuff that bothers me.
I need help with things like dishes, bathrooms, and laundry. I don't like particularly doing those things either, but they're part of having your own place. Something I guess he didn't think about when we were considering the apartment. So, in the current set of events, I just laid down on the bed, crying.
Husband did somewhat irritably lay down next to me before mumbling something about not being worthy of me and stalking away, which just made things worse. He does tend to do that, does a self-pity junket when I'm upset, which led into my next line of thoughts. While I was lying on the bed, I kept wondering why he couldn't just hug me or do something else to comfort me when I'm upset, instead of being a big jackass. That's all I needed then, comfort. Yet he was too busy be pissed off and in his own world to think of it. I asked myself where my mate was and the answer to myself was "I don't know."
Husband finally calmed down so get himself something to eat and tell me I needed to eat. Considering I would have been making food for myself and pretty much sitting alone, I skipped. It seemed more self-depriving to actually eat than to do something else.
My final thoughts at the moment: It's been taking me telling myself that it's my household to care for in order to get things done. It's taking all my energy to keep from getting stuck in depression and Husband doesn't see it because he's blinded by his own issues (which I've tried to be understanding about).

I feel an odd sort of calm. I was so upset earlier but I suppose it had to go somewhere and the tears washed away the worst of the anger.
I suppose I feel somewhat disconnected.

I'm feeling inspired in business, but depressed that my otherwise great husband can't get it through his head that responsibility doesn't end at 5 on weekdays.
I want Husband to have fun and enjoy himself, but not at the price of leaving all the mundane tasks to me or waiting as long as he can to do them. I hate having to walk through dirty clothes or needing to clear off the counters before I make dinner, but I also hate being the only one doing the cleaning on most days.
Husband amazingly didn't complain last night, while picking the pair of chores he'd do, but then waited til today to actually do them. When I'm busy cutting coupons and planning for the next week - not a time I want to be picking up and putting away shit.
I'm not one to take out my anger on others, but I feel so frustrated and in turn depressed. That does not help my business. I'm trying to reach out to people, not fade into the background, what I feel like when I'm stressed.

I feel rather irritated. I hastened Husband to take me to the DMV in October so I could get registered in time for the General election while I got my Learner's Permit. However, apparently, the person filling in my info failed to mention that I needed to fill out a separate form for voter registration.
So come this morning, FIL called for information on where I should go (he thought I might need to go to the same location) and I wasn't on the list. That was a big surprise.
I went to "my" polling location and went through the steps there, but whether my vote, the vote of an eligible citizen, is counted depends on if a handful people think I really should be considered registered. I'm going to be pissed off if I find out my ballot was "unacceptable." Voting is a right of citizenship (with extreme exceptions) and my right is being questioned. Yes, I'm upset.



Voting Tidbits:
AL Provisional Voting Guidelines

I was going to comment on the article from my previous post, News of the odd, before, but was short on time.

I'm disturbed the "reality" shows are considered so highly of. The various "American Idol"-style shows involve judges not only criticizing the participants they deem unworthy, but there are several cases were people are full-out insulted. "Oh yes, I want to teach my daughter to be a bad-ass to people less skilled than her!" It's sad that is the light stuff.
I was utterly horrified when they had a family show with one of the survivor shows. Why the hell would you take your kids through that shit?
The only thing of the reality style that I think I don't feel like bashing the producer with a club is the home remodeling shows and similar. At least they're doing something constructive for all participants and the bullshit is limited to a few, moderate, curses.

When I have a more stable link than Yahoo news, I'll include it, but this is rather saddening.

About the boy who lost his life when a incompetent woman ran a red light and his seat belt failed.

Before I get to the link, I want to cover two major points.
1. This doesn't mean I'm against seat belts, they're a major influence in saving lives during crashes, especially when worn correctly. Seat belts should cross the shoulder and chest comfortably and the lap belt should lay across the hips. When children outgrow car seats (after maximum usage), they may be placed in booster seat if they cannot wear the seat belt properly. You should never place the chest belt behind the back.
2. I find the cause of the accident just as sad. After earning a driver's license for the first time and continuing to renew, most people are completely free of being re-tested on their driving abilities. While there are many older people who remain alert enough to safely drive, there are many people, for various reasons, that continue to drive past what is safe for all involved parties. So it's not so unusual for incompetent drivers to continue driving until an accident because no authorities caught the impending situation before the accident.
There should be some sort of re-testing procedure to ensure people continue to drive safely and it should be mandatory for renewing each time it arrives. For me, every 5-8 years is perfectly acceptable. Especially with technology becoming more "on the go", laws and rules must be updated with time.

Commentary now set out, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azgBhZfcqaQ&NR

Husband is off with his father and Daughter is asleep for the night. Sounds great, but I'm lonely. I'm used to having Husband near me in the evenings. Even when he's bugging me, just knowing he's there fades my outside concerns.
I may have more nights...similar. Wednesday night Husband told me he's being offered the chance of a second job. A couple hours after his regular job, a couple days a week. The idea of extra income is appealing (especially if it lends to me getting more business supplies and cookware), but I don't like the idea of him gone more. I was somewhat upset that he was suggesting doing more work in a week, when he complained about being too tired to do much simpler tasks at home. In addition, that would make it harder for me to leave the apartment. We only have one truck and I only have a learner's permit (bland story).
Yet, the offer would increase the chances of me visiting family for my grandma's Christmas exchange. I still don't miss Michigan and I'm not that close to most family members, but there's a few people that I was especially close to.

Mini, pre-post update: Heard a weird noise, not sure what is was now (everything seems normal), but found Daughter awake in process of checking out. So I'm going to feed her and ponder what might have just happened.

I'll return...sometime...

As a guest...
- Cooking shows are fun! Food is "no purchase necessary."
- You get to try out products before buying.
- Products are covered with at least a 1 year warranty. Broken and defective products are replaced free of charge during warranty period (just make sure you have the receipt).
- No wondering how to clean. Many products are dishwasher safe, but all products come with cleaning instructions as well as tips on usage. Most tools also include a recipe or two on the care sheet (which most also are very compact is size).
-Monthly specials for guests. Generally a 20% off or FREE product with minimum purchase.

As a host...
- Earn FREE products that truly are FREE!
- FREE shipping regardless of how much you buy.
- Discount now and later. Get 15-30% discount on products ordered at show (except host specials and similar discounts) and 10% off for a whole year after.
- Half-price products. You can earn up to four half-price products (or your choice of half-price sets).
- Monthly specials for hosts...and previous hosts who had bookings from their show (details upon request).
- Starter credit. Hosts interested in becoming consultants can apply FREE product value to their kit (a total product value over $200 can be had for $50).

As a consultant...
- Discount on personal orders (20-40%)
- Potential for commission increases. Commission is 20-27% (based on monthly and career sales).
- Rewards for signing up others as consultants.
- Many consultant promotions to earn FREE products.
- Incentive trips! Enjoy wonderful places for being a business owner!
- Support. Consultants have many resources available to help them succeed, including fellow consultants.
-Beautiful jewellry and awards. Be a "Top Performance" consultant/director and get special rewards for your dedication and hard work.

CNN Links
'Jelly bellies' memo costs police chief his job
Mother gives birth after not knowing for 9 months (video link)

Yahoo (link will be replaced)
High Ranking Reality TV with Parents Television Council (I disagree)

There's too much to do and only one me. How does Husband miss this? Sometimes he'll get the thought to maybe take the trash out or feed Daughter or rarely do something else but mostly I have to ride his ass. It's all because he claims he's too tired and he won't get through his skull that so am I.
What's irritating isn't so much him being a blockhead, but the fact that he's put me into the position of complaining. There is a slight, but distinct difference there. I don't want to be one of those women who silently seethes to her online buddies and does nothing to improve her situation. At the same time, I don't want to be one of those women who has the burning desire to "improve" her husband. All I want is my partner, to be a partner.
I'm trying to get Husband to help me out by saying what it is I need, but now he sometimes just ignores my requests because he doesn't feel like doing whatever I ask for. So the steps forward get quickly cancelled.

So what brought this up in the middle of the day when I'm alone with Daughter? The fact that I'm overwhelmed. Daughter crawled into the bedroom and several times I stopped what I was trying to focus on, to think about how I was going to rearrange the furniture so that everything could fit and allow Diana to safely crawl about. Then when I walk into the kitchen, the dishes are starting to pile up and both trash cans need to be taken out. I hate that, I like to be able to just start food in the kitchen without having to clean up first and who wants a stinky kitchen on top of that. I've just, as the saying goes, uncovered "the tip of the iceberg."
I don't have energy to take care of all the home stuff by myself, plus taking care of Daughter and making a successful business so we have enough income. Which leads back to the beginning. I need help and I need it without having to act like a bitch. Where's a club when you need one?

Nothing like a liitle rain to ruin the day. Or at least summarize why the day wasn't good. The morning was cool, but comfortable with the sun shining on the pretty fall colors. However, clouds blew in and it started to lightly rain. The rain continued a bit after day, after the scheduled trick or treating would have ended...if more than a few people ventured the rain. Perfect summary.

I was hoping to talk to the neighbor about ordering, but I never got the call that it was okay to stop by. So I paid for what she was sure to order so I'd make the deadline tonight. Not that she'll get the product before I'm paid, but at least I won't have to worry about losing my sales history after a slow month.

It was when it started raining though that I realized what a situation I'm in, again. I felt a bit depressed that something inclined to succes, hasn't been working for me. I'm intent to stay on, somehow, but things need to seriously start moving if I don't want to take a serious loss in the process.

At least Daughter was cute tonight and the fussing wasn't too bad. Well, she didn't cry at Grandpa and that's a good thing.

I was hoping to go the library family party, but we would of only got to hang out for the last half hour. That's one of the few things I don't like in this area. It's a nice community with lots of friendly people, but most events are scheduled early in the day. Having a driver's license is a moot point, we only have one vehicle and can't afford another. Gas is also still too expensive for me to drop off and pick up my husband at his Madison work when we live in south Huntsville. I'm not going to hang out in Madison all day, I have business to attend to at home.

On the bright side, despite having an neighbor order being post-poned to tomorrow (that'll be fun if she wants more than a food chopper), it looks like I'll remain "active" another month. Between a deposit from Husband and a withdrawal from my Paypal account, I have enough money to get by.
I am still somewhat disappointed in myself though. I have several catalogs out and a couple business cards distributed, but business is utterly slow. Meanwhile, many new consultants in their first month are doing better (and that's not including the tourist attraction males of this business). I know things are not that hard, but I'm not sure what step it is that I'm missing.
I just keep hoping....

As usual, I bought the Sunday paper - but did not begin reading it until evening and have yet to finish reading it. As usual, I regret not reading it as soon as I get home. It's not like I missed an important event, it's the fact that I'm now a day behind on the news. Everything I read from now, everybody else also had ample time to read and discuss. I'm sure I could afford the weekday newspapers..but often they get worse attention than the Sunday paper.

What intrigues me is a certain column about blogging being the new road rage. Before you get buttoned up for typing, let me explain (because I find myself agreeing). If someone were to stand up during a play and shout obscenities at the actors because they didn't like the subject material, they'd be royally booted and have earned themselves a bad reputation. However, that is missing from the internet. People feel they have the undeniable right of being an asshole because there's no bouncers standing nearby. Even though they'd never insult someone face up, they feel comfortable blowing obscenities at a stranger over a disagreement about whether red or pink looks better on a particular day.

Except when it come to politics. I have received several flyers about a local candidate being a lobbyist plaything and wench. While I agree it's good to know the facets of candidates, I find this rather disturbing. Enough so that I'd rather vote for the lobbyist lover than the hate-spewing campaigner. If he has no problem spewing about his opponent, what will he says about the people he serves? Call us welfare pigs because the times are bad despite job availability? If I qualified for governer, I'd gather the people to do me as a write-in...

"Dawn Lilly"
Independent
Supports:
Balanced taxes
Increased punishment for child molesters & drug dealers
Education-directed funding
Smart immigration laws

Picked up from bee11 :p

The Opposite Sex.

1. Guitar Player or Drummer: Bass guitar ;)
2. Skater or Surfer: Either
3. Brown or Blue Eyes: Either
4. Blonde or Brunette: Brunette
5. Brains or Looks: Brains then looks

Food.

6. Hamburger or Hotdog: Hotdog
7. Pie or Cake: Pie
8. Apple or Banana: Apple, though bananas are fun
9. Coke or Pepsi: Both
10. Chicken or Beef: Beef
11. Oreos or Chips Ahoy: Oreos
12. Pancakes or Waffles: Pancakes
13. Chocolate or Vanilla: Vanilla
14. Strawberry or Cherry: Cherry
15. Watermelon or Cantaloupe: Watermelon
16. Potato salad or Macaroni Salad: Potato salad
17. Wheat or White: Wheat
18. Tic Tacs or Candy: Candy
19. Sausage or Bacon: Sausage
20. Sour Cream and Onion or BBQ: Sour cream and Onion

Sports.

21. Baseball or football: Baseball, but only because my husband loves Red Sox
22. Hockey or Basketball: Neither
23. Tennis or Golf: Tennis
24. Skiing or Sledding: Sledding
25. Bicycling or Jogging: Bicycling

Stores/Restaurants.

26. McDonalds or Burger King: McDonalds
27. JC Penny's or Sears: Either
28. Walmart or Target: Walmart
29. Trophy's or TGI Fridays: TGI Fridays
30. Albertson's or Vons: What?

Clothes.

31. Pants or Shorts: Pants, they're always in
32. Zip-Up or Pull-Over Sweatshirt: Pull over
33. Sandals or Flip-Flops: Sandals, if I have to
34. Dresses or Skirts: Dresses, less matching
35. Mittens or Gloves: Gloves
36. Print or Solid: Mostly solid

Names.

37. Bob or Bill: Neither
38. Jessica or Jennifer: Jessica ♥
39. Erica or Erin: Either
40. Carie or Kari: Either
41. Todd or Tom: Either
42. Lynn or Lee: Either
43. Sarah or Susie: Sarah
44. Jack or John: John
45. Lisa or Linda: Lisa
46. Mike or Nick: Mick :p

Music.

47. Punk or Rock: Rock
48. Pop or Alternative: Varies
49. Rap or Techno: Techno
50. 50 Cent or The Game: Neither
51. G-Unit or D Block: Skipping this one...
52. Dem Franchize Boyz or D4L: Neither
53. Guitar or Drums: Electric guitar, hell yeah!
54. Piano or Violin: Violin
55. CDs or Radio: Both

TV.

56. Dawson's Creek or 7th Heaven: Neither
57. Angel or Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Buffy
58. Law and Order or The Practice: Law and Order
59. One Tree Hill or The OC: Neither
60. Smallville or Charmed: Charmed

Cinema.

61. Bruce Willis or Bruce Lee: Bruce Lee (shush Husband)
62. Jennifer Love Hewitt or Neve Campbell: Dunno...
63. Aladdin or Lion King: Lion King
64. Snow White or Sleeping Beauty: Snow White
65. Comedy or Drama: Varies
66. Horror or Science Fiction: Both,
67. Scream or I Know What You Did Last Summer: Neither
68. Not Another Teen Movie or Scary Movie: NATM
69. Titanic or Pearl Harbor: Neither
70. The Mask or Ace Ventura: Both! :D

Computer/Video.

71. AOL or MSN: *screams* DIE!!!!
72. Dogpile or Google: Google
73. PS2 or N64: PS2....but N64 isn't too bad
74. Mario Brothers or Zelda: Both

School.

75. Pen or Pencil: Depends...
76. English or History: English, Americans need to learn it too
77. Math or Science: Both
78. Home Economics or Woodshop: Both
79. Backpack or Messenger Bag: Messenger bag

Animals.

80. Cat or Dog: Cat, but no inside ones for me
81. Fish or Hamster: Tropical fish, my specialty
82. Tiger or Lion: Both, I ♥ Big Cats
83. Butterfly or Lady Bug: Butterfly
84. Seals or Otters: Both

Cars.

85. Mustang or Corvette: Neither. Seriously.
86. Nissan or Honda: Depends on the model.
87. Lexus or Benz: Neither.
88. Car or SUV: Car...maybe truck ;)

Colors.

89. Pink or Blue: Blue
90. White or Black: Black
91. Orange or red: Red
92. Silver or Gold: Silver
93. Green or Purple: Purple


That concludes this segment of survey filling. :D